Life has never been a straight road. In a lifetime, one comes across crossroads, potholes, u-turns, uneven grounds, and sometimes, to a dead end.

I have been weighed down with such feelings lately. My life revolves around choices I could not think of as my own. Choices I must make whether big – small – easy – hard – or yet – painful.

At the point I could say that I am faced with such. A crossroad - four paths going in four totally different directions. Right in front of me is this brand new road. Smooth, brightly lit, and awaits a promise of a whole new world of opportunities.

Behind me is a war-torn battlefield. It’s laden with obstacles and tormented with bloodied war memoirs. The road stretched on for miles and what used to be a glorious, mighty, formidable and highly respected place is now reduced to nothing more than ashen ruins. This is my past that has shaped the strong part of me.

To the road at my right, a vast empty space spreads over the horizon. Not a single soul in sight. Just peace – plain perfect peace. A place that signifies the resting place of my tired soul. Peaceful indeed, yet empty. I rest there often, with my eyes closed and with a heart and mind praying deeply for that something I can’t seem to find.

On the left, I see all the things I’ve ever dreamed of. A life anyone would dream of. Love’s promise of eternal contentment waiting to be received. Yet I hesitate - because nothing in this world is permanent. In the end, it may just be another short-lived mirage.

Choices. Crossroads. We are all made to inevitably make choices. We have always been the masters of our souls. And whether or not these decisions make or break us, one fact that hurts so much is that nothing can take it back. No rewinds. No going back. Time won’t stop. And what hurts even more is that time may not be enough to patch our deeply cut wounds. I feel like I’m in a mudslide sinking deeper day by day.

Life is more than just the decisions you make. More than what the most experienced people say it is. More than our every day encounter with the world. For me, life is what I have right now. It can never be completely mine. Yet I hold on to what’s keeping me alive and what’s giving me strength each day because I’ll never know when I’ll truly smile again.